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Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.